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許詔恩

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7/2/12 04:58 am - someone you used to know

dont despise me. i cant be myself around you. or anyone else for that matter.

who am i then? thats a loaded question. an impossible one.

i find myself at the top of a skyscraper in the middle of the night. looking down at the world asleep and alive. all i want to do it listen to a sad song. feel the crushing weight of hope. the uncertainty of absolute truth. find myself flowing along in gods mysterious design. is this where im suppose to be? is this who im suppose to be? is he sad? is he victorious? does he care? does my soul hold any weight? do we factor into his day at all?

its so still up here. am i at peace? or just still?

i am who i am. i know what i know. aware of all i dont. ive seen what ive seen. im the shape that i am. all that has happened to me and all that ive interpreted. all that ive stored and all that ive lost.

its an empty space. a tangled ribbon. a deadend staircase. a crying child.

put me to sleep. let me rest. not knowing the way is exhausting. i just want to rest. take my hand. slip off the ledge. carry me home.

"bury me up north, if i cant find the way back"

1/17/07 04:46 am - zui nan wang na ju, wo liao jie ni

icu

it seemed perfect. both of us together, each with our own reasons. each with our own story only to share the same time and space for a fitting ending. as we drove in circles, all it would have taken was a turn of the wheel. my heart wouldnt have beaten faster. i wouldnt have had to clench my teeth to summon the courage. for a moment it felt like the most natural thing to do. we did what we could. and we found ourselves with no way out. and no where else to turn. and here our stories would find their same natural deaths. as natural as our births.

but i was wrong. i could no longer make these assumptions about you. and there are no decisions i can make for you that would fall upon the path where you would walk. and now our fragile hopes lead us in wildly different paths.

words can be dangerous. words can set things in stone that should still be viable with our own choices. there was once i decided that that would be my last time. whether we remained or perished as a couple. but its promises like those that tend to falter by the cost of the their own upkeep.

are the spaces in us so easily filled? is the human appetite for love so easily satisfied, with so many foods that could cater to our taste? i suppose that the capacity to tolerate our loneliness varies. as are the compromises we are willing to make to rid ourselves of the hungry beast. perhaps after a time, it is not love that we seek but rather comfort and peace of mind. some minds will build their own reasons to move onward that become their bridges to lead them over the water that has past. while to others, its that very water that brings them their consolation for the emptiness, finding solace in their own futile martyrdom.

you no longer believe. and i cant say that i do either. the all inclusive statement being, we no longer believe. i rested my head on a memory and an idea. an idea that what i hoped for could still come to pass. and that you might also harbor a similar hope. but the gears have turned and the tests have failed. the brilliant idea has proven to be nothing more than a fools hypothesis. it would be going against science and progress to invest anything more in its prospects.

its not fair to anyone else to love me as i am. its not fair to me to cloister myself in a world without faces, hands, or possibilities. no one would notice. no one would understand. except god. who would see every sin. every lack of sense. every flaw in reason. and with his perfect understanding he offers no consolation. in his perfect understanding he would know that he would have no choice but to keep me faraway from himself. if only i could have been just a passing thought through his mind. a quietly beautiful conception with a failed application. never to have taken form.

"he felt the urge to go out into the desert, to see if its silence held the answer to his questions." - the alchemist

1/12/07 04:29 am - and i will love this love forever

icu

what i said was a honest confession. its a creepy feeling when having no indication of changing. year after year people should change. im not saying i havent. i dont know myself so well enough to say something like that as if it were absolute. adam duritz sings "were always changing." but dont listen to everything youre told.

its wrong. its human prideful ignorance. but i feel like ive reached an equilibrium. this is how im suppose to be. ive gone as far as faith can take me with all that god leaves unknown to us. any further and id be tossing logic and reason to the wayside. if i step back then id be insulting the truth.

i dont want to offend the pagans. so, what i really meant to say was the truth as i believe it to be. we can all have different truths right? yup. actually nope. as our dear mr smarty pants ravi zacharias says, "if truth does not exclude, then no assertion of truth is being made. its just an opinion thats being stated."

that part where i said pagans, that was a joke. you can take a joke cant you? you uncivilized heathen.

"if you make me laugh i know i could make you like me. cause when i laugh i can be a lot of fun." oh, if it were only that easy. if i were only that simple. dont worry, youre not alone when you wish you were. "blessed are the shallow. depth theyll never find." its chasing intrinsic human desire. or its neglecting who we are. as it is now, living dichotomously is all we can do to accommodate. until or if we find our conjoining happiness. "wo yao de xing fu."

im mister letssingit dot com.

every turn of a new year i dedicate my life all over again. i pray. or maybe i just talk to myself. with no resolutions. no promises. no plans. just an outflow of words for the wind to carry away and keep. i endure a bit of self inflicted suffering for the purpose i know in which i was created. if it hurts then its real. if it hurts then im still alive. it may mean nothing at all. it may award me no points. and it may earn me no bigger estate in the next life to come. but its my own tribute. my own declaration. my own way of hoping.

"ill live or die on the strength of your judgment, but first let me say who i am." - the poisonwood bible

11/11/06 04:48 am - theres some strange shape in the sky


a vulnerable moment. a surprising response. the shock of happiness. a glimpse of hope.

---

i need to start journaling again. i need to hold on to anything of substance that passes through my head. i watch anime. i sleep. i read some. i play a lot of cs. and im good at it. i really am. but thats hardly an accomplishment. i dont know whats going on in any "real" sport but i watch most of team 3D and complexities matches. i respect method and frod like people would respect...uh...someone good in a real sport. there are less than 50 professional gamers in america that make a decent living doing what they do. and the majority of them are probably cs players. in korea professional gamers are pretty much superstar celebs. its a blossoming sport. i mean e-sport. and im a cyber athlete. im a nerd.

the picture links to my old entries were broken for the longest time. i lost a lot of my old photos so i removed some of the links. the photos that i have i uploaded and fixed the links to. a shout out to he who dwells in atriums who has generously provided me with some webspace. i spent a good hour or so last night making the updates.

i read through some of my old entries. i used to be so different. i wanted a life lived in truth. i had this idea in my mind that if i saw the truth of things. the truth of creation, of god and all that he is, then it would be easy to live this passionate life where i could endure any hardship and walk through any suffering because i saw the truth. if you know the truth, it changes your perspective. if i was created to give god glory. then no matter what i did or where i was, as long as i was fulfilling my purpose i would be most satisfied. that would be my perspective.

thats all gone now. i know ill regret this someday. ill look back and regret playing so much cs. ill regret being alone. ill want friends. ill want a girl. ill want to feel like ive accomplished something. i just dont know when itll come. i suppose itll come when i finally realize all the reasons behind why i should be regretting. and maybe then things will start changing.

sometimes its just easier to embrace being alone rather than ending up that way after trying not to be. i just cant help feeling so different and out of place with the people i meet and the groups im in.

but as she says, "you and everyone else."

and shes right. im full of silliness.

im so happy for her. today is the big day. i hope shes sleeping well tonight. i honestly wish i was there to see it.

we just want to be understood. and noticed. god do you notice me? with me here mostly wasting away, do you notice me? do you know i think of you from time to time? does that matter? if this is a test, am i earning any points? although, i know its not really a point system at all.

this isnt a club. this isnt exclusive. its simply the truth. bigger than who we are and what were in. elusive and intangible. but worthy of our attention.

"all i could remember thinking was how fucking exhausted i was with my own bullshit. my life story held no interest for me any longer." - ash wednesday

9/20/06 02:35 am - owned in the game of life. gg. no rm. sit down.

you know when things happen, funny things and interesting things and such and such. i want to be able to have that feeling of wanting to share it with people. i want to be like hey! im gonna tell this to so and so. or im gonna blog about this and people will read it and be amused. and i wont be a loner. because who wants to be friends with a loner? someone tell me how to do it.

today i saw an old friend. miss cchen was in A town for business and decided to not be a stranger. we ate some booty jigae. got some fat matt ribs. and the best gelato around because i knew she loved gelato. im only kidding. i didnt know she loved gelato. there was some good conversation and the best jokes ive ever heard in my life. my sore cheeks are proof of that. and then thanks to jon who is still a man who enjoys his novelties, we went on a hunt for crunk juice. good times.

things:
pete yorn - ice age (his new album is just so-so. sounds like too much producer input.)
honey and clover (waiting for the 2nd season to finish airing so i can watch the fansubs.)
junior boys - the equalizer (i came up with my own description. post 80's electro sophisto pop.)
team 3D winning the counter strike 1.6 USA world cyber games qualifier for the 5th time in a row and will be going to WCG 2006 held this year in italy to defend their back to back championships. (im not a nerd. your moms a nerd!)
neko case - star witness (alternative country. not my favorite genre but shes got a lovely voice.)
end of naruto fillers (yay? naruto still annoys me. someone should just pwn his face off and hinata should find someone better to crush on.)
hillsong united live - came to the rescue (worship song. i love the soaring electric guitars at the end.)
microsoft re-releasing the old school intellimouse explorer 3.0 (my first 3.0 from 4-5 years ago is the only mouse i play CS on.)
pedro the lion - when they really get to know you, they will run (pedro tickles me.)
solid state society (new ghost in the shell. come oooooon fansunbs!)

quote of the day:
after we take all their crunk juice and ask if they have anymore.
chevron employee, "thats all we have. but there are some new sobe energy drinks you can try."
cchen "we just want the crunk."
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