a vulnerable moment. a surprising response. the shock of happiness. a glimpse of hope.
i need to start journaling again. i need to hold on to anything of substance that passes through my head. i watch anime. i sleep. i read some. i play a lot of cs. and im good at it. i really am. but thats hardly an accomplishment. i dont know whats going on in any "real" sport but i watch most of team 3D and complexities matches. i respect method and frod like people would respect...uh...someone good in a real sport. there are less than 50 professional gamers in america that make a decent living doing what they do. and the majority of them are probably cs players. in korea professional gamers are pretty much superstar celebs. its a blossoming sport. i mean e-sport. and im a cyber athlete. im a nerd.
the picture links to my old entries were broken for the longest time. i lost a lot of my old photos so i removed some of the links. the photos that i have i uploaded and fixed the links to. a shout out to he who dwells in atriums who has generously provided me with some webspace. i spent a good hour or so last night making the updates.
i read through some of my old entries. i used to be so different. i wanted a life lived in truth. i had this idea in my mind that if i saw the truth of things. the truth of creation, of god and all that he is, then it would be easy to live this passionate life where i could endure any hardship and walk through any suffering because i saw the truth. if you know the truth, it changes your perspective. if i was created to give god glory. then no matter what i did or where i was, as long as i was fulfilling my purpose i would be most satisfied. that would be my perspective.
thats all gone now. i know ill regret this someday. ill look back and regret playing so much cs. ill regret being alone. ill want friends. ill want a girl. ill want to feel like ive accomplished something. i just dont know when itll come. i suppose itll come when i finally realize all the reasons behind why i should be regretting. and maybe then things will start changing.
sometimes its just easier to embrace being alone rather than ending up that way after trying not to be. i just cant help feeling so different and out of place with the people i meet and the groups im in.
but as she says, "you and everyone else."
and shes right. im full of silliness.
im so happy for her. today is the big day. i hope shes sleeping well tonight. i honestly wish i was there to see it.
we just want to be understood. and noticed. god do you notice me? with me here mostly wasting away, do you notice me? do you know i think of you from time to time? does that matter? if this is a test, am i earning any points? although, i know its not really a point system at all.
this isnt a club. this isnt exclusive. its simply the truth. bigger than who we are and what were in. elusive and intangible. but worthy of our attention.
"all i could remember thinking was how fucking exhausted i was with my own bullshit. my life story held no interest for me any longer." - ash wednesday