it seemed perfect. both of us together, each with our own reasons. each with our own story only to share the same time and space for a fitting ending. as we drove in circles, all it would have taken was a turn of the wheel. my heart wouldnt have beaten faster. i wouldnt have had to clench my teeth to summon the courage. for a moment it felt like the most natural thing to do. we did what we could. and we found ourselves with no way out. and no where else to turn. and here our stories would find their same natural deaths. as natural as our births.
but i was wrong. i could no longer make these assumptions about you. and there are no decisions i can make for you that would fall upon the path where you would walk. and now our fragile hopes lead us in wildly different paths.
words can be dangerous. words can set things in stone that should still be viable with our own choices. there was once i decided that that would be my last time. whether we remained or perished as a couple. but its promises like those that tend to falter by the cost of the their own upkeep.
are the spaces in us so easily filled? is the human appetite for love so easily satisfied, with so many foods that could cater to our taste? i suppose that the capacity to tolerate our loneliness varies. as are the compromises we are willing to make to rid ourselves of the hungry beast. perhaps after a time, it is not love that we seek but rather comfort and peace of mind. some minds will build their own reasons to move onward that become their bridges to lead them over the water that has past. while to others, its that very water that brings them their consolation for the emptiness, finding solace in their own futile martyrdom.
you no longer believe. and i cant say that i do either. the all inclusive statement being, we no longer believe. i rested my head on a memory and an idea. an idea that what i hoped for could still come to pass. and that you might also harbor a similar hope. but the gears have turned and the tests have failed. the brilliant idea has proven to be nothing more than a fools hypothesis. it would be going against science and progress to invest anything more in its prospects.
its not fair to anyone else to love me as i am. its not fair to me to cloister myself in a world without faces, hands, or possibilities. no one would notice. no one would understand. except god. who would see every sin. every lack of sense. every flaw in reason. and with his perfect understanding he offers no consolation. in his perfect understanding he would know that he would have no choice but to keep me faraway from himself. if only i could have been just a passing thought through his mind. a quietly beautiful conception with a failed application. never to have taken form.
"he felt the urge to go out into the desert, to see if its silence held the answer to his questions." - the alchemist