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8/28/06 01:25 am - how the night turns into dreams of the morning

people will find this sooner or later. so i cant write about them. not in detail anyway. it drives me up the walls. what i notice in people. in new groups with new friends and new faces. new laughters and new smiles and new dodgy glances. observing and getting a feel for the new social infrastructures im being cannonballed into.

today, someone famous came through the drive through at the starbucks i work at. hes a hip hop artist. not your typical mainstream hip hop although he is quite mainstream. but its different. good different. hes got a new movie out. he drives a black suv of some kind. he does most of his recording in atlanta. and he drinks a decaf venti vanilla soy latte.

i ate dinner today. and tonight ill fall asleep in my bed.

8/22/06 04:42 pm - from the looks of it

today i discovered i had a song that ive been looking for. on the drive back from work it came over my mp3 player and it sounded deathly familiar. then all at once i remembered where it was from.
it was at the gap in fox valley mall. it was a couple years ago. sometime in the summer of 2004. its typical of my memory to do this. i dont remember one person i was with but i remember asking everyone if they knew what the song was. but more than that, i remember the song felt like a rainy summer day. i remember like it felt like skin against skin. a warm body. a welcoming smile. a soft hand. i remember feeling that this song was what ive been looking for without knowing i was looking for it. i remember trying to remember one unique line so later i could go home and google it. but when i got home i couldnt recall what i had tried to remember. but today, after two years ive found it. the line that i couldnt remember was 'so far keeping it togethers been enough.'

8/6/06 08:04 am - there either is or is not a way things are

the idea is to open up. to realize that growing up alone isnt the only option left. to be friendly as if there was something else to come. to speak as if i could be heard. to hold onto my thoughts as if they had any sort of worth.

the picture above is from clearwater beach. i took that when my sister and i went. she was visiting to see my 'graduation'. and quotes around that because it was only for an associates. no bachelor for me. im a failure. love me anyway. we also went on a boat ride that day and briefly saw some dolphins swimming in our boat's wake. during the middle of the boat ride it started to pour. so we rode back to shore and then walked to the car in the heavy rain. moments like that are always memorable.

ive been jobless for over a month now. and ive reverted to my natural cycle. living my 30 hour days. sleeping my fill for 10 hours a day. and staying up for the next 20. its 3 hours until church so ive got time to dawdle. lately the day has only been good for sleeping so itll be a long day today. but i should fix my schedule.

the way we remember whats past in our lives, the emotions weve felt during the moments of our lives dont always permanently attach themselves to their corresponding memory. events take place. realizations are made. and people change. perhaps not fundamentally (though i do believe its possible somehow), but certainly incidentally. i guess what im trying to say is that many memories no longer taste the same in their recollection as they did living them. and sometimes you remember hows it was and how it has changed. but sometimes you forget how it was altogether.

awhile back whlie i was still at school, i was invited out for drinks by some classmates. it was the end of a week, we just got out of lab, and so i accepted. when i reach the place i see someone backing out of a prime parking spot right in front of the bar. however, while i wait for the car to vacate, some guy approaches me. hes awkward and embarrassed as he says he needs a ride home. its late and the buses have stopped making their rounds. he looked young and it would have been easy to say no. but i suddenly remembered i was a nice guy and told him to hop in. i learned during the ride that he was from africa, his name was mohommad, he had recently graduated high school, and he was out looking for a job and got stranded. while the validity of the story remains unknown (looking for a job past midnight on a friday night?), he was polite and even offered to pay me for the ride but i had to say no (because im a bloody nice guy). when i made it back to the bar my classmates had already gotten their drinks and settled in to the alki groove. i was just about to order my own when a girl approaches our table and offers us a beer. apparently their group ordered a bucket and they were about to leave and had one extra. and because i was the only one without a drink in hand, everyone looks at me. i sport a little 'why not' look and say 'i guess ill take it' with a charming little smile. as the girl walks over to hand it to me i can see shes got a pretty face. and not only that, shes looking me in the eyes and is smiling (believe me, when youre as ugly as me that comes as a surprise). im so stunned that i dont say thank you until she starts walking away. and she turns around with another smile and says youre welcome. dont get me wrong, this isnt an 'ooo' and 'ahhh' pretty girl story. its nothing more than what it is. just a beer and pretty girl who was probably a bit tipsy and thats why she was able to smile in my general direction. this is a story to pose the question: do you believe in karma? i had a classmate that does and i always gave him a hard time about it. then a few days after the beer incident, we were sitting at a table and he offers everyone one of his chicken nuggets. i say 'no thanks' but everyone else takes one leaving him with only one. i was curious as to why he bought chicken nuggets if he was just going to give them away and he answered that he needed the good karma. his car broke down recently and he felt he needed to give a little in order to better his current situation. and so i took his last nugget and thoroughly enjoyed it as it made its way down to my stomach. and then perhaps it went from my stomach straight to his karma.

i didnt get the internship i wanted. they cycle through internships every quarter though so i may just wait until winter and apply again. i might keep looking for another one but im afraid it may conflict with my job i start next week. that job being a barista at the starbucks right down the street. im suddenly feeling the desire for world domination but im not sure where its coming from.

and ive also settled into a 3 bed 2 bath with a couple guys that go to jca. weve got drapes in our living room. weve got a balcony. weve got 5.1 surround sound for our movies. weve got cable tv and high speed internet. our place is really nice and my roommates are both great guys. im probably a bad influence though. i play cs with one guy and dota with the other.

anyway, if youre ever in atlanta dont be a stranger.

"i really want ella to be able to say ,'one thing my dad wasnt was a liar.'" - david bazan (pedro the lion) in 'body piercing saved my life'

7/19/06 01:27 am - wo mei you hen nu li yao zi ji qu yi wang

nothing noble
read this
understand everything between the lines
see it all
cut my arms
break my fingers
scream my head off
an unfortunate seduction
a watery grave
close the door
find the answers
grow up
be sensible
let it go
assume the worst
assume it all wrong
forfeit my rights
fuck off
find happiness
no chances left

3/21/06 03:14 am - eatmebailey!

i played basketball saturday afternoon and soccer sunday morning. lots of sun. i got a little tan and my shoulders are mildly burnt. for those of you that dont know the rule, that means im having fun. im also as sore as ive been in many months. and i pulled something in the general direction of my right achilles. after soccer i caught a matinee of v for vendetta. the story and screenplay were very wachowski like. suppressed controlled people. suppressing controlling regime. a savior to save the day. a heroine to fuel the fire. an intermediary character that isnt quite good and isnt quite bad that plays an integral play in the plot. natalie was great except for a few moments where it was a bit off. but not necessarily because shes not a good actress. shes just not meant to act in some of the ways her movies require her to act. normal and cinematic dramatics dont mix well together. especially with natalie.

there was this couple three seats to my left that was rather distracting. it wasnt difficult to decipher their activities by the sound effects they failed to conceal. the constant smacking sounds and the heavy breathing. i just watched my movie. but i did think to myself, good lord, its only 4 in the afternoon. calm the fuck down.

last night i made a late night run to wendy's during a regularly scheduled break time of one of my labs. i payed with my amex card and as the lady in the drive through window handed my card back she said very plainly, "you have a nice night now." i was just about to say "thanks, you too" when she transformed right before my eyes into a sneering pirate and said "arrrrrrrrrrrrr, or ye will have to walk the plank." she curled her lips and everything. i gave her my best 'youre a weirdo' look and said, "i think ill have a nice night. thanks for the option." she then leaned out the window on one elbow and sneered at me. like a freakin pirate. i looked straight ahead only to see the car in front was still waiting on its food. i waited a few more awkward seconds before turning back to the pirate lady in the window and of course, there she was, lips still curled and sneering. thankfully not too long after she said "thatd be a good choice matey. now ye make sure to have that good night now." which meant the car in front of me was moving. and also that i didnt have to walk the plank.

yanzi release a 2 disc concert dvd. i bought it. the first disc is her live in her hong kong 2005 concert. the second disc is a compilation of her 15 most popular music videos. the important part is that its non-karaoke style. i dont care to see her perform live. but the mv's alone will be well worth the purchase. other recent dvd purchases are dead poets society special edition, almost famous (because it has to do with the music industry), great expectations, and i bought my own copy of tian xia wu zei.

ill be done in just over two months. last two months being session recording and post-production. then ill be done with the audio portion of my education and earning myself an associates of science. ive decided not to go the extra 9 months for the bachelors and try to find an intern or job somewhere. im fairly uncertain about where im going to end up and what kind of financial position ill be in. but im also fairly certain id run out of joojoo before i finished the 9 months of business courses if i decided to stay.

"simple as it would have been, i knew better than that. instead i let my obsessive instinct get to work tracing that figure, waiting for it to turn abstract and disappear. sooner or later it would." - motherless brooklyn
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